Terminated.

It’s taken me about a week to work up the chutzpah to write this blog entry. I mean, let’s be honest: getting fired from your first job isn’t exactly an admirable quality.

You’re not really getting a fair story on this because I wrote so much during the honeymoon phase of the job and not over the past 4 months, where my enthusiasm and eagerness slowly dissipated with every HTML/ technical writing/ Quickbooks assignment I completed.

I was floundering. I hated that position. I hated it so much, I had to leave the house before I really woke up and was getting there 45 minutes early. The last month, I spent 60% of the day staring at HTML files that made no sense to me, or trying to eloquently explain a universal e-commerce tool that I didn’t understand. I spent about an hour a day on marketing blogs trying to teach myself B2B marketing and I’ll admit, I spent probably a total of an hour a day IMing with a co-worker about how unfit we were for our positions. (Considering how often I took lunch and how often I took work home with me, I can with confidence say that I wasn’t stealing time from the company.)

During my interview, and even in the first couple months or so, I saw potential for the company. I wanted to help spring them off the starting lines. I was naively enthusiastic about everything I did. About expressing ideas for growth and about writing product descriptions I never fully understood. About every minute interaction with clients and every Google analytics statistic. I, fresh out of college with no real business experience, made plans and goals and did everything from make them a 1-year strategy for their subscriptions to grow their Twitter account.

But everything was a fight. If they gave me an assignment, it was a struggle for me to share their passion, a struggle for me to understand their poor explanations of enormous, complex tools. If I came to them with a goal or a strategy or an objective or a new idea, it was a fight to get them to comprehend. I’m not saying that’s not normal- but I’m saying that absolutely nothing came natural to the position. Nothing. A job that was purely for the paycheck- there was no passion or enthusiasm or enjoyment. I can’t work that model.

Regardless, my intentions for this post aren’t to justify or rationalize why I did what I did or why my bosses did what they did.

Getting fired, no matter how pleasant and civil it may be (my experience really was), is never pleasant and civil. It fucking hurts. It tears the carpet from under your feet. The stability in your life is mucked up and any clarity you may have had is quickly shattered with phrases like “It’s just not working for us anymore.” You question what was recently unwavering confidence. Worry about every outgoing dime and every incoming bill. Worry about being adept enough to apply for future positions. Worry about finding positions to apply for.

And I have it easy. I’m intelligent, young, single- I have a savings account. I was miserable with my work and wasn’t getting paid enough to pay my bills (even if I had gotten the raise I was due the Monday before I was let go). Even with all of that- I would have never quit this job, too persistent, and getting fired was the best thing that could have happened for me.

I’m thinking of it as a long, real life, internship. I learned a lot about my strengths and weaknesses in a real work setting. I sound like an old lady, but really- you have no idea how vital that first salary negotiation is until you’ve been working your ass off for 10 weeks and realize you have to decide between gas and a week’s worth of groceries.

Mom quote: “You found this while you were looking for a job, you’ll find something else while looking for a job.”

So today makes it a week that I’m contributing to Florida’s unbelievably high unemployment rates. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t wallowing a little bit- but I’m definitely putting the focus on being productive. While I have this opportunity, I’m only sending my resume to jobs that make me go “ooo” and believe I’m ok with the fact that I might be working two part time jobs to pay the bills while I study and really pursue my plans for my graduate degree. Hey- it’s the economy, right?